he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
it's like iHOP with fire
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
