Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
