i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
