I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
