I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
