It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
