Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
