My sheets look like a crime scene.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
