Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
