My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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