Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
