If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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