Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
