I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
