She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize