i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
