i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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