new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize