Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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