Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
