i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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