Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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