Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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