i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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