he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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