I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
