Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
