If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
