we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
