I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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