i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
