You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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