If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
