I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
