I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
