as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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