Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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