My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
