I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
