Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
