he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
