I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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