I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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