Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
