I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
