Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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