I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
