I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
