Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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