Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
