you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
