I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize