It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
