Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
