I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
