Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
