My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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