Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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