I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
