I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
