And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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