yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
